It is often said that the first step to correcting a problem is to first admit that you have one. I was a functioning alcoholic who did not believe a problem existed. I had a 5-bottle a week habit I ignored simply because I wasn’t drinking everyday. I was a serial wine drinker. I could easily share a sad story about the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or a hard partying lifestyle that led me to drink so heavily. But, the truth is that, I do not have any excuse to give about my alcoholism. The fact of the matter is that I was drinking excessively because wine ended up becoming part of my identity. I associated everything I did with drinking and didn’t realize what it was doing to my life.
I have been a wine connoisseur for many years. I’ve visited vineyards far and wide and I’ve gone to tastings. I know difference between the light sweet whites from the really deep dark dry reds and I can literally smell a good vintage a mile away. For years, I took pleasure in wine phenomenon, so much that I would order bottles by the case just to have in the house and store in the cellar. I became one of those people who literally came up with any reason to pop the cork. If I were having a pasta dinner or a slice of pizza, I would grab a bottle. If I were going out with friends or had them over for a gathering, we would open up a bottle. If I were cracking open a good book to read, I poured a glass to accompany it. Weekends, happy hours, celebrations, dinner, dessert, you name it, I was popping open the bottle and having a glass or three just because.
Here’s the thing, I did not consume wine everyday so I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing. I did, however, consume wine very often throughout the week; even clearing an entire bottle to myself on some nights if no one was home. It wasn’t until one evening while heading out to throw out some trash and a bottle that I had just finished off into the recycling bin. When I looked into the bin, I realize there were four empty bottles already sitting there. The bottle I was holding in my hand made five. The recycling truck had only come two days before. Immediately, it hit me that I had gone beyond moderation and now had a dependency issue. Things in my life weren’t all that great but it wasn’t downright terrible either. If I overslept just a little, it didn’t matter because although I was battling a hangover, it didn’t interrupt my entire day. I’m not stupid. I’ve never drove drunk and I’m not someone with low tolerance who doesn’t mix well with alcohol. The problem is that when I wasn’t drinking, I found myself constantly looking forward to it. I associated drinking as part of my daily functionality and I saw no value in anything unless I could top it off with a drink. It became the cherry atop the pie of my day. If I were tense or stressed, I drank wine to relax me. It often relieved my boredom and made me comfortable in social situations. I even fell in love with the sedative effect of wine simply because it would put me to sleep at night. I was drifting. What was once my guilty pleasure had become my distraction and I couldn’t stop. I gained weight. I was becoming forgetful. My anxiety also increased. I was sleeping in longer on some days and even when I was happiest, alcohol scaled my mood even more. Every weekend was a celebration. I didn’t understand how to admit that I had an addiction.
Moments of clarity are great but they need to be followed by constructive action. Once I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic, I knew I had to immediately tackle it or I wouldn’t stop. I took a long hard look in the mirror and an even harder look down at my son and quit the bottle cold turkey. And, even though is was an abrupt cessation, I managed to pull it off and have been sober ever since. I adopted the out of sight out of mind philosophy. I stopped purchasing wine and other types of alcohol. I stopped going to bars. I made rules for myself. I began to get through my days by concentrating on the things that matter most–the people and things I love. I found myself engaging more with them by prioritizing and making the decision to devote my life to them and my personal wellness. This made choosing how to spend my time quite simple and effortless. I began appreciating my happy without the need to attach it to the turn up. I am coming up on three years of sobriety and I couldn’t be happier and healthier.
Alcohol dependence is so easy to develop because having a drink or two is considered socially acceptable; however, alcohol is a depressant. It disrupts balance. It affects your thoughts, behaviors and actions just like any other drug and the consequences are detrimental. Like myself, many people don’t believe they have a problem because they are able to function, maintain their jobs, family and friends and don’t drink every single day. But, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a habit. It’s important to recognize that being an alcoholic does not equate with being a failure in life. Many successful people are functioning alcoholics and many defy the stereotypical characterization of alcoholics. High-functioning alcoholics, in essence, lead two lives: the public one where they are doctors, lawyers, teachers, bus drivers, brokers, or entrepreneurs, and the private one where they drink far more than the normal social drinker. If you find yourself spending time in the day thinking, “I can’t wait to get home so I can have a drink.” or “I can’t wait until I meet up with my friends later so we can grab a cocktail.” rather than “I can’t wait to get home to see my family.” it is a sure warning sign you may have a problem. If you are having three drinks to everyone else’s one, your addiction is bigger than you think. Alcohol abuse can be so easy to do.
There is no shame in admitting you may have a drinking problem; the shame comes when it finally catches up with you (and it will) in a way that could be tragic.
Catch it now before it’s too late.
I did.
